i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
