it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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