Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
