Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
