apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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