You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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