i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Help me help you realize you are a moron
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
