May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
