if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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