i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize