Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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