Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
