the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
