Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
