Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
