the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
