then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I want to be your penis for a week.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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