He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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