Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
he shaved USA in his pubs
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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