I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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