Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
