i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
