so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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