It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
