Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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