don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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