I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
So vagazzling was a success
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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