party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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