Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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