Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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