I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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