Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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