I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
