it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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