don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
