Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
