so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
