I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
