My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
