where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
