11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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