I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
