Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
