remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Randomize