Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize