Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize