I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Couch. On fire.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
