He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
