i just sent this text using only my big toe
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize