I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
No subtext here. People are naked.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize
