dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
