So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
