The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
