We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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