haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
