I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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