theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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